Anger is resistance to loss

Anger-comes-from-loss (1)

I think Stuart Wilde nailed it when he said “anger comes from loss.” Anger and even frustration, in my opinion, are secondary emotions; the fiery layers above what’s invariably underneath: a sense of loss. You’re angry because you’re losing something or you’re afraid you will.

People choose anger over simply feeling the loss in the deepest sense because it’s a more active emotion. Its ferocity keeps us feeling a sense of movement through the situation rather than feeling powerless over it. But anger can also trip you up and get you in trouble if you don’t take the time to acknowledge, process and take action in response to what’s really there.

Sitting down with your anger and agreeing to lose that thing your afraid of losing is a simple but liberating trick! So often we’re holding on very tight in resistance to losing that thing, but resistance can keep us feeling very stuck! So what if you lost it? So maybe you don’t prefer to lose it but what if you were simply willing to lose it?

For example say you’ve been dating a person who’s super charming and charismatic but they’ve been giving you mixed signals and just cancelled the last date. Maybe you’re angry with them for leading you on or being unclear. Maybe at this point you don’t know for sure what they really want; perhaps they really are busy with work, or maybe they’re a royal jerk dicking you around. Either way agree to lose it. It’s not a pessimistic expectation that you are definitely going to lose it, it’s just the willingness to.

Agree to the possibility that anything can happen from here. It’s so simple but effective. It’s just a choice. You might think “Oh so I don’t actually NEED this person to be interested! Losing this romantic interest may not be what I prefer in this instance but I’m willing to let it go and leave it in time’s trusted hands!”

Have you ever agreed to lose something in this way? I’d love to hear about what worked for you in the comments.


6 thoughts on “Anger is resistance to loss

  1. Stuart Wilde was an excellent ‘Sage’ I have many books of his.
    Agreeing to let it go. knowing if it was meant to be, it would BE.. Anger surfaces for many reasons, learning to look deeper into that cause of why something makes us angry often shows us we need to look in the mirror that much more deeper.

    This week I let my upright freezer full of food go, as the freezer broke and we had not noticed until all had defrosted.. I let it go in an instant and within an hour the freezer had been taken to the recycle depot by my husband who was angry with himself for not noticing it sooner.. I told him to let it go, what was done was done,
    In order for us to move on and feel freer, Anger comes to challenge us to look deep within. Sometimes its something deep seated that we hang onto. Fearing loss, rejection,
    Good to catch you post, as I am wandering the halls of WP for a time..
    Love and Blessings, and we should all look at what we still have rather than what we have lost.. Letting Go frees us to make space for other things to come in their place..
    And I am certain there will always be someone more worthy of your attention and love.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nothing makes me angrier than machine noise, especially helicopters and other military aircraft droning over my house. Or the sawmill down the street. What have I lost, except peace and quiet? No, I feel violated, because you can’t escape from noise. The violation makes me angry.

    I also believe anger is a secondary emotion, but the primary one is fear. The anger may result not so much from loss but from fear of it. For me, when the machine noise starts, I have the fear it will last a long time. Same with neighbor dogs that are in the habit of barking for hours at a time. Sometimes they quiet when I speak in the right tone of voice, but I can’t do that with helicopters

    Liked by 1 person

    • That would suck, sorry you have noise issues like that. You’ve lost your right to peace and quite enjoyment of your home at that time and you’re afraid it will get worse or that you will lose it again. In this situation you could agree to lose it.. just say right now I’m doing noise, I’m sitting with the vibration of destruction and military madness or whatever.. or if it’s really bad and that strategy isn’t helpful you could move or complain or start a peaceful neighborhood campaign. I should note that agreeing to lose something isn’t the only thing to do about anger.. it’s just a trick that I have found can help in certain situations where you have no other choice but to surrender or at least temporarily you have to until a solution is found. You know like when you’re in a traffic jam and there’s not much you can really do about it? You can either resist it and hang on to the idea the this shouldn’t be, the council should have done something about roads, the douche bag who in front who keeps honking shouldn’t be honking.. etc or you can go, ok for the next 20 mins I’m doing traffic jam. I’m surrendering to the jam.


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