I think Stuart Wilde nailed it when he said “anger comes from loss.” Anger and even frustration, in my opinion, are secondary emotions; the fiery layers above what’s invariably underneath: a sense of loss. You’re angry because you’re losing something or you’re afraid you will.
People choose anger over simply feeling the loss in the deepest sense because it’s a more active emotion. Its ferocity keeps us feeling a sense of movement through the situation rather than feeling powerless over it. But anger can also trip you up and get you in trouble if you don’t take the time to acknowledge, process and take action in response to what’s really there.
Sitting down with your anger and agreeing to lose that thing your afraid of losing is a simple but liberating trick! So often we’re holding on very tight in resistance to losing that thing, but resistance can keep us feeling very stuck! So what if you lost it? So maybe you don’t prefer to lose it but what if you were simply willing to lose it?
For example say you’ve been dating a person who’s super charming and charismatic but they’ve been giving you mixed signals and just cancelled the last date. Maybe you’re angry with them for leading you on or being unclear. Maybe at this point you don’t know for sure what they really want; perhaps they really are busy with work, or maybe they’re a royal jerk dicking you around. Either way agree to lose it. It’s not a pessimistic expectation that you are definitely going to lose it, it’s just the willingness to.
Agree to the possibility that anything can happen from here. It’s so simple but effective. It’s just a choice. You might think “Oh so I don’t actually NEED this person to be interested! Losing this romantic interest may not be what I prefer in this instance but I’m willing to let it go and leave it in time’s trusted hands!”
Have you ever agreed to lose something in this way? I’d love to hear about what worked for you in the comments.